Sunday, July 26, 2009

B.A.R.M. Being A Real Man.

I wrote a blog titled "unintended consequences" when I first started this blog. I thought it was genius. I really figured I had spelled it all out as to leave no question to the matter. A commenter proved me wrong, in fact my blog had quite the opposite affect on her. She asked a plethora of questions about the text. Most of which I believe are answered in the essay, but here is one question I felt was left unexplained.

"What is a real man? I would like to know this. Perhaps you can enlighten me. Does a real man have his own set of moral that he passes to his children or is he the man that takes what he wants when he wants it. It sounds to me that your suggesting that men cannot be responsible for their own cruelty and missuses of their own power. I don't know though."

I read this comment the day it was left and have been thinking about it sense. Its not an easy question to answer, because most the answers are really long and not p.c. (Politically Correct) But seeing that this sight is titled B.A.R.M. I figure it is a question that need the proper attention given to it.

Here is a BIG disclaimer: I AM NOT CLAIMING TO BE A REAL MAN, OR CLAIM TO BE THE EXAMPLE OF ONE. I don't know that any one man is a real man. But I know where I fall short and am trying to improve on a regular basis. Also, if any of you reading this and find yourself offended, its probably because you are guilty of some thing you are reading. Or that your husband or someone close to you is the guilty party. So... don't cry about it... do something about it.

I have been asking my wife to give me a definition of a real man for months now and she never did. She came up with a real man likes certain parts of the female anatomy (both start with the letter "B"). And that REAL men know how to barbecue. I have those covered.

Here's the meat.

A REAL MAN IS..............

Men have the genetic advantage of being more left brain than women are. If its an advantage or not we can debate on that, but its a fact that men don't think in abstracts as much or as well as women do. Being logical is making decisions based on data, not emotion. I know too many people that I just cannot talk to because all they think or talk about is how they or others feel about a subject. Take the current debate of the congress; universal health care. Its an argument based on pure emotion. Even I would like to see all Americans given top rate health care. But the facts are its not possible to do with out damaging large amounts of the health care and private systems.

Most of the bad decisions humans make are based on feelings not facts. A real man will learn to separate the two and choose to weigh his options carefully and make the sound judgments that will lead him and his family down a secure path.

Falling under logic, I believe, is honesty. To be a man you must always be truthful to everyone, even your self. There has been a temptation throughout time to justify ones actions to explain away all guilt. When a man has a flaw, he realizes it and takes action. As I alluded to in the open of this essay, men don't get offended, they just make the necessary corrections and get on with it.

Being honest with others is self explanatory. That means in all you do; work, play, money, and if you give your word that is what will happen. All of your dealings must be truthful.


Practicality and Logic go hand in hand. How many of us know someone that is not to good with their time or their money. Or any of their resources for that matter. It is up to the men to make sure that the priorities of the family are set straight. Which includes money not being spent frivolously, and time being spent in the right portions in the right places.

Men and women have a large variety of things they can focus their time and money on. A mans list should be in this order. 1 Family, 2 Work, 3 Church, 4 Self. Some metro-sexuals my argue that how can a person take care of family, work, and church if he don't take care of himself first. This is not being honest with your self, this is rationalizing bad behavior. If you hear something of this nature it is a boy trying to sway some guilt away he might already feel for lack of action.

Don't take this to mean that a real man is not allowed to have feelings or emotions. Its just our job to appear that we don't have any feeling or emotions. Think of it as a professional duty. This quality is where I really fall short. I am a succor for a woman that is crying. I spent a very long time with a girl friend that i didn't like because I met her when she was crying. We broke up like 14 times before it stuck, because each time I broke up with her she cried. REAL men don't cry, at least so others can see them crying, and they are not a sucker for tears. That goes back to not making decisions on emotion.

I think that this section includes gossip, and that sort of talk. We just shouldn't do it... it makes us look and sound like girls. I read a blog entry from a sight called Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad, and this place is just one big puke-fest. These so called guys just rant on and on about chatty chick stuff. It is disgusting. It looks like they found the slobbering diary of a gay teen still in the closet and stole it out from under his pillow, then published it. This sort of dribble my be attractive to some of you liberated women out there, but it is just not acceptable to digress like this then call yourself anything but a childish boy. (And if somehow one of your girly little toads read this, sorry to brake it to you this way but its true. Consider the above statements.)

This is one more that my good wife thought of. She said that a man should have tools and know how to use them. She said that he need to be able to fix something. Not all men are blessed with the ability to just know how to fix things, but it is not unreasonable to ask that he at least know how to hammer a nail or fix a squeaky door. Something of that nature. In the movie Grand Torino clint eastwood said that any man worth half his life can fix most all that he needs with like a hammer vice grips and some duct tape. And really if you cannot fix something around the house, I bet your woman sees you as little less of a man. Chances are her dad could fix things and she thought that was just the best thing ever when she was little. So if you can't do it, learn how to do at least something.

Call me old fashion if you want but this is essential. Not only that, but it should be the top goal for a man. Look this is how me and my wife worked it. Before I asked her to merry me I told her that it was a deal breaker for me. I said I had a mom at home and my kids will too. I told her if it was important to her that she work then I would stay home with the kids till they went to school. But she had to make as much as I would so that we could afford to live like we wanted to. And about the school thing, I said its important that if you do get a job that when school is out and the kids come home one of us need to be there daily.

It is so clear to me that I need to do all that I can to make this happen. I will sacrifice a lot so that my kids have their mommy. I will work what ever I need to to make sure my wife can be at home. I am not going to have my children robbed of their childhood and be raised my a day care or the t.v. If we give our kids to a day care we are forfeiting the opportunity to teach them, lead them, love them, and learn from them. And by default we give that chance to the baby sitter.

It is the highest calling of a real man to be a provider for all the needs of his family. Not only money, but also the emotional needs of first his wife and then his kids. He needs to be the source of love to lead his wife and kids to happiness and the ability to stay together.

Being strong is what being a man is about. I have wrote before about the liberalization of women has caused a backlash against men and their natural desires. It is not p.c. to be a strong man any more. They have given it a name "the alpha male" and have demonized it. It is a problem that needs to be dealt with.

I don't mean physical muscular power. I mean the will to do what is right no matter what the cost. The right thing is what real men do. In the question at the top of this blog it was asked, "Does a real man have his own set of moral that he passes to his children or is he the man that takes what he wants when he wants it." So to answer this directly I would say a "real man" does not take what he wants when he wants it. Thats a silly questions, its a straw-man argument. If a man wants some thing, he finds a way to get it and he works for it and he earns it. Of course a real man would only want the things that are healthy for him and his family. Does He have his own set of morals? No he abides by God's set of morals and passes them on to their children with love and when necessary, reproof.

He would have the strength to stand up to his peers; his wife, kids, father, and yes his own mother. I listen to Dr. Laura and her radio show. The air waves are continually drowned with women that have week men that choose to make their mother happy rather than their wives. This is childish, selfish, and cowardly.

We should have the strength to be respectful and to all people. Our friends as well as our enemies. Its called manners. Although we really don't have enemies any more, the people that we don't like or that bug us should be treated just as well as our favorites. Now matter how much we want to be rude.

I work with all guys. It is rare to hear a guy where I work not refer to their wife as "the old lady" or some other derogatory term. I have to admit that this drives me absolutely nuts. My own dad rarely refers to my mom the way she deserves to be referenced. I want to hit him sometimes when I hear him talk about my mom in public. I am lucky that I went on a mission. If I wouldn't have gone, I would have never learned how good a "real man" can treat his woman, and still have the unmistakable air of strength and valuer. My mission president, President Bradshaw, treated his wife so well and it made an everlasting impression on me. I am grateful for his example. It has helped me treat my wife better than I would have other wise.

A couple random thoughts.

A real man does NOT wear "skinny pants" or those stupid canvas shoes!!!!
He can only hug his wife, daughters, grandmothers, mothers, aunts, and his sons (before the little boys hit puberty). Some times his mother-in-law on days like his wedding or times that are really extraordinary.

If you have anything to add to this section or the rest of the blog, feel free to comment.


heidi j said...

freak and you grew a beard on mine. I think I feel my hair tickling my lower back! I agree with most of it. There may be parts I didn't, but I don't remember them. I don't have a memory like yours. How the heck could you quote Gran Torino? We watched it once over a week ago. That is amazing. Way to go babe, that is a super explanation

andrea said...

So according to your "logic" a real man doesn't care much about spelling, grammar, respect for women or the welfare of anyone but his own family. There are so many other issues I could take with this post, but I'll just say that I hope never to marry a "real man" like you.

Erin Paulukaitis said...

wow. you sound like a straight up asshole.

Anonymous said...

REAL men learn how to use proper spelling and punctuation as well. Guess I'll work on the handy man work and you can work on the spelling.

Anonymous said...

You sir are a dumb ass!

However your kid has got to be the cutest in the world.

Nalvy07 said...

Two words for you...SPELL CHECK. Honestly your ideas of how a man should really be actually make me laugh quite hard. Maybe being a selfish jerk has worked for you but it doesn't work for everyone else.

Kalina said...

Wow! You got some really strong views on what a "real man is".

You said that, "Its just our job to appear that we don't have any feeling or emotions. Think of it as a professional duty."

I guess Real Men shouldn't show emotions in front of people?

Does that means that President Monson, most of the Quorum of the 12 and General authorities aren't "real men" because they often cry and show emotion when they give a talk during general conference?

And when President Hinkley was still alive he would get emotional and cry about his deceased wife. He must not have be a "real man" in your eyes.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I cannot believe what an asshole you are.
I would rather be unmarried my whole life than be bound to the type of "real man" that you have described.

Heidi J said...

I can't figure out what all you women are freaking out about?? Putting family first, taking responsibility for your actions, providing for your family, respecting women. What's wrong with any of that? It seems all YOU want is a man who cries. I'll tell you what, I had a man who cried and I thought he was a pansy and I just wanted him to grow a set and man up. I married this man who wrote the article and am satisfied in every way possible. I get to stay home and take care of our sweet children. I get a thoughtful man who doesn't talk bad about me to his friends. I am respected 100% of the time and know I can depend on this man any time I need something. I think you women need to reread this with the mentality that I am a NORMAL girl and I think this man is amazing in every way possible. You need to read it again knowing that he put every GOOD quality in a man in this post and for some reason you are skipping every one of those parts and for some reason taking every thing he says and is turning it against him. I really just want everyone out there to know that Josh is the most amazing man in EVERY way possible and you probably will never find such a respectable and honest person as he is.

Sure, he can't spell, it's genetic. Bite me.

Nalvy07 said...

While I don't agree with all the points on here I do have to say that rereading it has made me take back my previous comment about the whole selfish jerk thing. My comment about the spelling I take back too. I just happen to be a spelling nazi so I tend to be harsh on my comments about it.

It can be hard to think about sometimes because we all have our notions of what makes a man a real man. Heidi J. has been lucky enough to find a guy who is there for her 100%. Who are we to judge this guy for telling us his view?

Again I apologize for my previous comment.

Michal Sarah said...

Nice thoughts, kind of... I can appreciate your journey into trying to discover what a real man is but maybe we should leave this topic to the experts. In the words of the great Rudyard Kiplin...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Now that's the kind of man I want.