Learning from teens

Parenting.

I was teaching a class full of 14 and 15 year olds the other day and asked them a provocative question. I was not expecting such fair and wise answers, but sure enough the way the children said what they did surprised me how enlightened and unselfish they are. See we were discussing a story in the old testament about a dad and his two sons. In the story the dad was not only their father but the nations spiritual leader as well. He had been a righteous man and lead the people well. But when his two sons grew up to be spiritual men as well they weren’t so good.
The two sons only wanted to serve themselves. They were doing things like taking peoples sacrifices by force and eating them. It was also later learned that they were kinda forcing women that came to the tabernacle to lay with them. They were completely self serving men.
Their father was still their dad and the prophet. It was his job to go down and set his children right. He talked to them and told them that they were doing bad things and that was it.

We discussed some of the story in more detail and how God had reacted to these three people differently. The lesson manual had asked me to ask a question to the class on how we as parents can do a better job at raising our kids. Since I was teaching a class full of kids I decided to ask them this.
I said; lets say, if your mom and dad would listen to you, how would you teach them to be a better parent. Keep in mind that their biggest worry and priority is to make sure you turn out to be a good adult. You are at the age right now everyone says is the hardest age to have kids at. They want to help you and be your friend, but they can’t just let you be free range kids. Like in the story we just talked about God was upset with the prophet for not doing more to help his sons be righteous. So I guess the real question is what would you tell your parents to do to help you grow up to be a righteous and successful adult. I want an answer from each of you in the class.
I gave them about 2min to think about it and called on a class member.
The first answer was from a young woman. “I would tell them that when they give out a consequence to actions, make sure they follow through with it. Whether it be chores, time out, grounding, or even a reward.” This answer really surprised me. At 15 years old this child felt like she needed more structure in her life. I have been told that kids really need this kinda structure to fell like their moms and dads actually do care about them.
Next was a young man. “Instead of sitting around the house and being bored, go out and do something with us.” Which seams like an average answer. So I asked, “I remember being your age and at 14 I didn’t want to go do things with my family. So why would that be your answer? Tell me how to get a 14 or 15 year old to go out and actually have a good time with their parents. When I see other families trying this the teen seems to want to be anywhere but there.” This opened up a pretty long discussion. There was not one of them that disagreed with this answer the young man gave. The one thing they all seemed to say is that there seems to be a tension between them and their parents, even while at play. They said to not be so reactive/explosive. To just have a good time. Not worry about what time it is or how the activity is being done, and don’t try to always be the coach or the know it all. Just play like you did when you were that age. Or like you do with men or women you own age now. One explained that if they were out rough housing somewhere and dad accidentally got banged up by a silly mistake of the kid, there was heck to pay for it.
We talked awhile on this one because this is one where I struggle. My boy wants to just be with me, doing... well... nearly anything. And I have found that I am way too short fused with him. When we go riding his four-wheeler I am always trying to push him to get better. Or force him to do things he doesn’t feel ready for. I have gotten mad and yelled at him when we were just playing soccer. Or I don’t just go spend time with him when he asks. Soon enough he will be like I was and stop asking, then stop desiring at all to spend time with his dad. One of the last points that came out is the kids sometimes felt that when they are out with mom and dad that it feels like they are the duty of their parents. Not some one of mutual respect and love. When this young man said play, I think he defines the word differently then you might define it.
The next answer was from another young man. His was kinda on the same line as the last one. “I would have to say do things to prevent problems.” I think kids feel like they are always in trouble and are scared to be in the same room as mom and dad. This was a tough one to interpret what he meant. But it had to do with filling your kids life with wholesome things and not letting them have the chance to fill it with dark things that lead to problems.
The next one I was expecting. The young woman said “just talk to us.” She went on about how her friend could just sit and talk to her mom or dad and they had this warm and fuzzy relationship. “Like best friends, she can tell them anything and they don’t get all mad and stuff.” I asked her “now remember that it is a parents God given duty to be more than a friend. So how can a parent still fulfill that role and then just sit and talk to you no matter what?” This is where it got somewhat interesting.
She said “first of all let us talk”, and every single one in the class started agreeing and nodding and expanding on this point. After listening to them I can completely understand. See while I was a missionary I often complained that I would ask someone a question or answer a question they asked me, and they would immediately tune me out and start thinking of what to say next. And their response would be to either interrupt me while I was speaking or didn’t even pertain to what I said. Or they thought I was speaking in code or something and tried to find secret meaning in my words. Also with my own dad right now. I cannot have a conversation with him because he thinks he knows what I am going to say before I say it. He goes ahead and lets me speak but doesn’t hear a word I say. Im 28 years old and we still have this problem.
I shared those two things with the class and universally they said that is the exact problem they have with their parents. She went on to clarify her answer, “if you are going to talk to us let us at least get the story out before you get mad or try to fix everything. I understand its really important to you to make me a good person, and I understand you can’t be my best friend, but at least respect me enough to let me speak.” One boy jumped in and said “Its hard to talk to my mom and dad because I feel like whether its good or bad I am going to get a lecture. Kinda like they just want to get the conversation out of their way and put a fixed stamp on the file, then move on.”
I then told them when I was younger my mom asked me everyday “how was school?” I really think she wanted me to talk to her. But I came home everyday and said “fine.” and that was it. I didn’t want to talk. How do we as parents help our kids want to talk to us? You say you want that, but then when your mom or dad asks you a question I bet you answer just like I did when I was your age.
The same girl said “get more specific. I hate that question too. But if you are involved enough in my life that you can ask me about something I care about, I will talk.” Again when I was a missionary, the first thing they tried to teach us in the mtc was how to ask meaningful questions. That was HARD. It was really a battle, for a whole 6 months of my time serving as a missionary, to figure out how to ask good questions. Think about this. How do you ask your kids about their day? This was another point that the whole class agreed with and give their own examples on how a parent asking better questions would help them open up.
I find already with my 5 year old he wont talk to me when I ask him “how was your day?” I get a one word answer. And then when he wants to talk I don’t feel like it.
These kids said having a good relationship with them was more than talking or playing or punishments. It’s a combinations of all things. I remember being at this troubled age, and not feeling comfortable around my family. I felt like what ever I did I was in the way, so I got out of the way and did my own thing.
It seems to me that these kids feel somewhat the same as I did. They understand that we can’t be besties, but it is our JOB not theirs to make sure we don’t make them feel the way I did back then.
This was the end of class and a couple kids didn’t get to give their answers. But I felt surprised by the maturity of their answers. You hear these answers all the time if you just take the first line of them.
-Stick to your punishments
-Play as a family
-Fill your lives with good things
-Talk to your kids
-Be their friend.
But as parents I think we feel like some of those things just don’t work with our kids, or they just don’t want to do those things. But, now I think we are just going about it wrong. I think our kids feel a tension, the same tension and frustration we feel. And that is the source for the things that divide us. It is our calling to figure out how to force those feelings to melt away. A good relationship with our children is really what we all want. And by we, I mean us and them. Trust me even though you might think your teen doesn’t want this type of thing they do. Its for sure worth the time to try, even if you don’t feel like you are good at it.